Foster Care.

I don't blog much lately.  Foster care is messy.  I often have really big emotions and I feel like that is often coupled with a really small audience of interest.  It's so messy.  Then there is also the need to keep details confidential, so what can I really write about other than "it is hard some days"?

Our current placement has actually been much easier than the last one.  But today was an emotional day.  We've been waiting on Mom to make some choices and today was a big day.  And she didn't follow through with what she needed to do. 

Unless something else big happens in the next couple days, some big, important doors are going to be closed and her parental rights are going to be terminated this spring.  We are open to adopting her daughter and providing her with a forever home, so, you might think I would be overjoyed that she is not making the progress she needs.  I even thought I might be excited to hear that she hadn't followed through with this big step today.

But, I wasn't.  I got the text from the case manager and my heart sank.  I ended up sending Mom a text, hoping to encourage her to take a step forward.  A step that could help her re-gain custody of her daughter, even though I question if that is the best thing.  But encouraging Mom to take a step forward is the right thing and the best thing.  Mom didn't reply to my text.

Days like this make me question lots of things.  We are not in the business of trying to take people's kids from them.  We are trying to provide a safe, loving home while parents figure some stuff out.  But there are so many parents out there who aren't able to figure stuff out.

We are required to do roughly 1 million (or just 32) continuing education training hours per year.  I am constantly reading about helping kids from traumatic situations and also about what leads adults to drug addiction.  A big factor is a lack of community and connection.  How did we (as a society) get here?  And how do we overcome it?  Here is a good article about addiction.  I don't have any answers, just a lot of heartbreak.  There are also articles like this one "Colorado desperately seeking foster parents."

Again, I don't have the answers.  I just know that today was sad.

Why foster care?

All foster parents hear the same general things all the time.

- I could never do what you do.
- You guys are amazing.
- I would get too attached.
- How can you give them back?

I ain't gonna lie.  This fostering gig is hard, emotionally exhausting, and sometimes heart breaking.

So why do we do it?  I have to walk myself through this every few months and I find it helpful to write out my thoughts, so here it is.

I have always had a big heart for hurting people.  That is just how I'm wired.  I always wanted to be a foster parent.... kind of like how I always wanted to backpack Europe.  Backpacking Europe never happened, so I'm as shocked as everyone else that we are actually foster parents.

We got our license 3 years ago.  We started the licensing process soon after Owen turned 2, so our boys were 2, 4 and 8. 

At that point we knew we weren't going to have any more biological kids, we were potty training Owen, and I wasn't quite ready to be done as a stay at home mom.  Marty knew I had always wanted to foster and after I went to an info meeting with my friend, Amy, God really spoke to Marty's heart to say "yes, let's do this."  And we did. 

Side note.... I'm not a preschool teacher type or someone who just adores little kids.  I like them.... but we aren't winning any perfect parenting awards over here.

Now that we are in it (and by in it, I mean really in it), my passion for foster kids is really strong.  I will be the first one to admit that we are not perfect.  We have some intense kids and personalities in our home (not just foster kids).  It would probably be easier not to be foster parents.  But where else are these kids going to go?

Yes, there are good foster homes out there, but there aren't enough of them.  I definitely consider our home to be a good foster home.  We (all of us) have loved and continue to love these kids with all of our hearts. 

I have sobbed my eyes out when things did not go as planned on visit days.  Or when a child has cried in agony and anger "why do I have to have so many moms and dads?!?!" after moving through multiple placements. 

Sometimes it breaks my mommy heart when I miss my own kids events because I am driving a foster kid to therapy or a visit.  Especially early in a placement, it can be easy to be annoyed and resentful of a foster child, their intense behaviors and the insane amount of a time commitment involved.

But then there is the amazing progress that a kids makes.  It is so rewarding!  Not just for me, but for our entire family.  When a child comes into your home constantly screaming, digging in the trash for food and doing countless other things that are so not appropriate.... and then you can see the progress when that child starts to use words.  Or trust that you are going to have food for them.  It's like seeing something broken being put back together again.

Yes, the goal is always reunification.  Yes, that can be agonizing when you see the birth parents making crazy bad choices.  Yes, the foster care system is infuriating.  There are quality people within the system who want what is best for kids.... but they are also jaded after days, weeks, months and even years of seeing the same story repeat itself over and over again.

We get jaded too.  It is way easier to make light of a situation than it is to really process through it.  Processing through it takes a lot of emotional energy that isn't possible to constantly devote to just one life situation.  It's just always there.  This situation and this child's life that is hanging in limbo as birth parents work their way through the child welfare system.

All that to say, I guess why we do it is simply because now that I have personally seen and experienced children being removed from their parents, I can't look away.  I can't say, "this is someone else's problem."  Because who is that someone else?  Who?

The couple I met recently who constantly has 8-10 kids in their home?  But clearly isn't paying a whole lot of attention to any of them?  Or the sickening story where the foster dad (in our county) was sexually abusing the foster daughter? 

We take advantage of doors that fostering opens for our family.  Sometimes we get free tickets to events in town just because we are a foster family.  Often these are things we wouldn't do without the free tickets handed to us.  I see these things as blessings to our boys.  Also the compassion that our boys have for tough stuff that kids have been through.  I hope and pray they grow up to value this experience.

These foster kids aren't my kids.  And technically, legally, we can walk away and say "not my problem."  But who is going to step in and show them that they are worthy of being loved?  Of having their cries answered?  Of being held and given a bottle?  Who? 

That is the passionate question that I have when we consider being "done" as foster parents.  There are just so many kids and so few places for them to go.  Who?

Magical Fairytale Land

There is this great thing in foster care called "respite."  It is also known as "Magical Fairytale Land."

We utilized respite care a little bit with "Baby Girl" and "Captain."  The kids would go to another licensed foster home to give us a break, a chance to catch up on life, etc.  It is also called "Magical Fairytale Land" because kids in foster care usually behave so much better when they are in respite.  Respite is all about having fun, having more relaxed rules, and the kids just getting loved on.

We have dear friends who now have their foster care license just to provide "Magical Fairytale Land" weekends to foster kids.  It is so rewarding and not nearly as draining as being a foster provider.

This weekend was our first time taking a kiddo for respite.  He's an almost 6 year old little boy.  Truth be told, I was not super excited about it.  I got the low down from his foster mom telling me why they needed a break and what made fostering this child challenging.  I sobbed after getting off the phone with her and felt a little PTSD from our own previous fostering challenges.  Not only did I not want to watch this kid for the weekend, I also (at the moment) was certain I never wanted to be a foster mom again.  But we feel like this is what God has called us to do and we know how challenging fostering can be, so we said "yes."

I asked a few friends to pray for this sweet boy coming into our home about an hour before he arrived.... he had never met us and was only staying for 2 nights.  It was an hour before he arrived because up until then I was trying to pretend it wasn't really happening.

We were committed to creating our own Magical Fairytale Land.  Marty was pretty instrumental in this because he is way better at playing then I am.  There was a solid hour of playing hide and go seek, a trampoline park outing, ice cream outing, movie night, and park time.  One solid weekend of play for the foster child and for our kids as well.

There were a few things that are slightly annoying that happened, but it's like being a grandparent - we got to have the fun and not deal with the day to day reality.  I know this kid is going home at the end of the weekend and I don't really mind the annoyances.  Our boys think having "the new kid" around is great because it means fun for everyone!

I'm writing this all with the question to anyone who reads my blog.  Could you be a "Magical Fairytale Land" person?  Get to know a foster family (ours or someone else) and commit to loving their foster kids for an afternoon a week?  Or an overnight a month?  It really is such a blessing to foster families - and these foster kids.  And it's FUN!  :)

"Thank you for bringing me here"

Post from September 6th, 2016.... Just publishing it later:

Our two littles ones have been living in our home for nearly 10 months.

Once a month we have a home visit with the county caseworker.  She is the same person who dropped the kids off here back in November.  "Captain" has not spoken to her since then.  Each time she comes over he either hides or just gives her the stink eye.  He has been clear in saying that he is worried she is going to take him somewhere new.  We are their fourth foster home... going somewhere new is not a foreign concept to him.

This month when the caseworker was leaving, "Captain" approached her and said "thank you for bringing me here."  I wasn't in the room, so the caseworker came to tell me.  It took a little while for the significance to set in.  That statement is simultaneously the most heartbreaking and also most incredibly reassuring thing I have heard.

Overall, we are usually pretty sure that we are failing at this parenting gig.  It is hard to be patient with 5 little kids.  It is hard to have 3 little boys who are in the 4-6 year age range.   I'm never going to be good enough or feel like I am parenting well enough to say "I got this!  We are definitely great at this gig!"  Never.

We have a clinician who we see twice per month to provide our family with support.  I generally use my time with her as a confessional of all the times that I could handled intense situations better.  I have read countless books on parenting kids who have experienced trauma and accessed so many great resources (mainly as part of our required 32 hours of annual training hours).  While I have gained a lot of great tools, none of them have made me the perfect parent.  Stink.

As I was sharing some our recent failures and my enormous room for improvement with a friend, she told me that maybe I need to stop trying to be perfect and just start trusting Jesus to fill in the gaps.

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Throughout this past week, this phrase has resonated with me over and over again.  This season of life has been difficult in many ways, but I have rarely doubted that this is where we need to be.  I can think through the changes and the sacrifices and all I keep thinking is "Jesus, thank you for bringing me here."

Our schedule with therapies, visits, and just 5 kids is hard.

"Thank you for bringing me here."

Taking a break.

Going from having 5 kids to having 3 kids is amazing.  A-MAZING.  The level of drama in our lives and house is so low and so great.  We have gone on a few hikes as a family, had a family game night.... just done family stuff that did not happen as easily with the dynamic of our two extra kids.

I love those two extra kids with all my heart - and I am also glad that they aren't living here.  Which makes me feel a little bit like a jerk, but I know it is the right thing!  The statement I hear most often as a foster parent is "I couldn't let them go."   I don't know how each placement will go and how saying good-bye will go, but so far with our placements, it's been okay.  In this case, the parents have made immeasurable progress and are working so hard to be the best parents they can be.  They really are. My heart is happy for them.  They have their kids back.  They are doing their best to give their kids a good childhood.

The first two weeks after they left were a little tough.  I walked into our agency office thinking that I would just drop off my paperwork from the month and ended up hearing my voice crack and tears enter my eyes as I asked the question "are they safe?"  Hearing, "yes, we feel the kids are safe" was such a huge relief.  An even better feeling came less than a week later when we actually got to see the kids.  They spent an afternoon at our house and my heart was so full that it physically hurt.  Then I dropped the kids off to their parents, went home, and had a normal evening.  With our 3 kids.  It is great.

Owen asked recently "can I still call them my brother & sister?"  Yes, sweet boy, you can.  Our family might look a little different than others, but I don't really care what you call them.  Just love them.

It's been an introspective week.  Trying to figure out what to do with the "extra" time on my hands.  Taking a break from fostering has been a sweet time for our boys.  We are all enjoying each other.  We have had great conversations about fostering, about loving people in and outside of our family, and about what things we want to do before we take another placement.

I love fostering.  I feel like God has called us to be foster parents.  I love being a part of something bigger than myself, my family, my home, etc.  I like being a part of a team looking for how to best meet the needs of those around us.  I know I could be a part of a team in a normal job with less stress, but that isn't what I think God has called me to do.  There are, of course, a lot of really hard things as well.... but I'm just going to skip those for this post.

On that note, I love taking a break from fostering.  We have a chance to recharge and enjoy our family.  We need to chance to unlearn some things that became normal kid behavior in our house over the past year.  We need a break from the paperwork, the meetings and having everything in our house under lock and key.  Basically we need a break from the things about fostering that are really hard.

As of right now, I do believe we will foster again.

A Date.

We have a date for our two little ones to go home.

The next question I always get when/if I share that information is "how are you feeling about that?"

That is a really tough question to answer, but this week I'm starting to wrap my head around it.  It is feeling a lot like an upcoming move to a new place.

There is some excitement about what the future holds.  Overnight we will go from having a baby and a preschooler to basically having just elementary school kids (Owen is close, he's still in PreK, but he'll be 5 in January).  Scheduling around naps, visits, and therapy is suddenly done.  I'll no longer have 3 kids crammed in across the back of the minivan (praise the LORD.... having some space for a bit will be nice.  The drama there.  Argh.).  There are some behaviors that we will not miss having in our house.  One less school drop off and pick up each day.

Then there's the recognizing of all the lasts.  Just like whenever I've moved I start thinking "oh, this is my last time doing xyz."  Same thing.  Last trip to the library or playdate with a friend.  Lots of lasts.  Those come with some sadness, heavy heartedness, and maybe a little bit of heartbreak.  They've been my kids for a long time now.... even though they never fully were.

And, of course, there is some anxiety over what comes next.  I know, as an adult, I might be sad at times, but I have a level of confidence that Marty & I will get through this transition okay.  I even feel like our boys are going to be able to roll with it fairly well.  But I don't know that for sure.  I don't really know what to expect.

Then there's the baby and the captain.  I don't know how this transition will go for them.  We are adding longer visits at home to prep them.  The captain is pretty excited to live in a home with less structure and more freedom - he's quick to tell me that.  He knows his mom and dad and wants to live with them.  He also loves us and is quick to say those words and that he will miss us.

It's harder and easier for baby girl.  Easier because she doesn't have memories of what led to their removal from the home.  Potentially harder because she has lived here for a long time.  She doesn't have memories of mom and dad.  She has built a relationship with them, but it is still going to be starting fresh in some ways.

It seems easy for outsiders to want to bash the kids' parents.... but that's not fair.  Yes, they made some really bad choices that did not keep their kids safe.  They have also done a lot of work over the past 18 months to get to a place where their kids could be returned to their home.  All parents have the right to be able to raise their children, as long as they can keep them safe.  They get to have another chance.  I don't know if it will work out or not, but I hope and pray for the sake of these beautiful little kids that it will.

I guess that is all to say, there are a lot of unknowns.  Just like there are in many other areas of life.

Why are we doing this?

I went to court today.  I advocated for our sweet, beautiful, red-headed, strong willed, silly foster kids to have a plan for permanency.

I missed one of our boys field trips.  Another girl in his class reportedly told him that they are going to get married and have 5 kids.  He is going to be the baby's daddy.  Baby daddy.  Love it.

Court was fine.  I was nervous to stand up and speak before the judge.  Even though if I had met the judge at a dinner party I could have told him openly and passionately my feelings on this case. But add in the formality of a black robe, standing up with a microphone and being recorded and it seemed intimidating.

Our boys have a love/hate relationship with foster care.  Five kids is a lot. It is loud. There are things we sacrifice in order to have foster kids in our home.  Camping trips didn't happen this summer, but road trips and vacations did.

Foster care is hard.  My heart is heavy today.  There is not an easy answer.  I went to court to advocate for the kids to have a plan for permanency, but I did not go knowing or even suggesting what that plan should be.  I just know that they have been out of the home for 472 days (with us for 356 of those days).  That is a long time.  It is more than 3/4 of the baby's life.  More than 1/4 of the captain's life.

I left questioning "Why are we even doing this?"

I guess all conventional and worldly wisdom would say "no", this is not my problem.  I have enough on my plate to deal with.

These are true statements.  Marty and I are not perfect people nor perfect parents.  We have our struggles with our own kids and in our own marriage.  We have yet to find the "easy" button when it comes to any of this.  Being foster parents has pushed our lives to a different level of crazy.

But even in questioning today, I can't walk away.  I passionately can't walk away.  As in, there's a burning in my heart for these kids and the other kids out there and I can't just say "this isn't my problem".  It has to be our problem.

I had someone tell me, "there has to be someone else out there who wants these kids."  Maybe, but probably not.  Foster parents are always in short supply and they went through three homes in 3 1/2 months before coming to our home.

Are my kids missing out on parts of their childhood?  I don't know.  Maybe.  Are they learning things about the world they would not experience in our private Christian school in our middle class neighborhood?  Absolutely.  I pray they are learning compassion.  I pray they are learning about Jesus.  The Jesus I read about in the Bible doesn't stand on a street corner and preach about what other people should or should not be doing.  Jesus goes and loves the people that no one else wants to love.  He hangs out with them.  He didn't go get a job so he could go on fancy vacations to the Red Sea.  He didn't protect the ones around him from experiencing the pain of this world.  He walked right into it.

I want to protect our kids.  But I also want them to see this world around them and to realize that having a house, a job, and relative stability in life is a luxury.  This life is hard.  Maybe by doing this small, and sometimes big, thing called foster care we are making somewhat of a difference.