Why foster care?

All foster parents hear the same general things all the time.

- I could never do what you do.
- You guys are amazing.
- I would get too attached.
- How can you give them back?

I ain't gonna lie.  This fostering gig is hard, emotionally exhausting, and sometimes heart breaking.

So why do we do it?  I have to walk myself through this every few months and I find it helpful to write out my thoughts, so here it is.

I have always had a big heart for hurting people.  That is just how I'm wired.  I always wanted to be a foster parent.... kind of like how I always wanted to backpack Europe.  Backpacking Europe never happened, so I'm as shocked as everyone else that we are actually foster parents.

We got our license 3 years ago.  We started the licensing process soon after Owen turned 2, so our boys were 2, 4 and 8. 

At that point we knew we weren't going to have any more biological kids, we were potty training Owen, and I wasn't quite ready to be done as a stay at home mom.  Marty knew I had always wanted to foster and after I went to an info meeting with my friend, Amy, God really spoke to Marty's heart to say "yes, let's do this."  And we did. 

Side note.... I'm not a preschool teacher type or someone who just adores little kids.  I like them.... but we aren't winning any perfect parenting awards over here.

Now that we are in it (and by in it, I mean really in it), my passion for foster kids is really strong.  I will be the first one to admit that we are not perfect.  We have some intense kids and personalities in our home (not just foster kids).  It would probably be easier not to be foster parents.  But where else are these kids going to go?

Yes, there are good foster homes out there, but there aren't enough of them.  I definitely consider our home to be a good foster home.  We (all of us) have loved and continue to love these kids with all of our hearts. 

I have sobbed my eyes out when things did not go as planned on visit days.  Or when a child has cried in agony and anger "why do I have to have so many moms and dads?!?!" after moving through multiple placements. 

Sometimes it breaks my mommy heart when I miss my own kids events because I am driving a foster kid to therapy or a visit.  Especially early in a placement, it can be easy to be annoyed and resentful of a foster child, their intense behaviors and the insane amount of a time commitment involved.

But then there is the amazing progress that a kids makes.  It is so rewarding!  Not just for me, but for our entire family.  When a child comes into your home constantly screaming, digging in the trash for food and doing countless other things that are so not appropriate.... and then you can see the progress when that child starts to use words.  Or trust that you are going to have food for them.  It's like seeing something broken being put back together again.

Yes, the goal is always reunification.  Yes, that can be agonizing when you see the birth parents making crazy bad choices.  Yes, the foster care system is infuriating.  There are quality people within the system who want what is best for kids.... but they are also jaded after days, weeks, months and even years of seeing the same story repeat itself over and over again.

We get jaded too.  It is way easier to make light of a situation than it is to really process through it.  Processing through it takes a lot of emotional energy that isn't possible to constantly devote to just one life situation.  It's just always there.  This situation and this child's life that is hanging in limbo as birth parents work their way through the child welfare system.

All that to say, I guess why we do it is simply because now that I have personally seen and experienced children being removed from their parents, I can't look away.  I can't say, "this is someone else's problem."  Because who is that someone else?  Who?

The couple I met recently who constantly has 8-10 kids in their home?  But clearly isn't paying a whole lot of attention to any of them?  Or the sickening story where the foster dad (in our county) was sexually abusing the foster daughter? 

We take advantage of doors that fostering opens for our family.  Sometimes we get free tickets to events in town just because we are a foster family.  Often these are things we wouldn't do without the free tickets handed to us.  I see these things as blessings to our boys.  Also the compassion that our boys have for tough stuff that kids have been through.  I hope and pray they grow up to value this experience.

These foster kids aren't my kids.  And technically, legally, we can walk away and say "not my problem."  But who is going to step in and show them that they are worthy of being loved?  Of having their cries answered?  Of being held and given a bottle?  Who? 

That is the passionate question that I have when we consider being "done" as foster parents.  There are just so many kids and so few places for them to go.  Who?