Why are we doing this?

I went to court today.  I advocated for our sweet, beautiful, red-headed, strong willed, silly foster kids to have a plan for permanency.

I missed one of our boys field trips.  Another girl in his class reportedly told him that they are going to get married and have 5 kids.  He is going to be the baby's daddy.  Baby daddy.  Love it.

Court was fine.  I was nervous to stand up and speak before the judge.  Even though if I had met the judge at a dinner party I could have told him openly and passionately my feelings on this case. But add in the formality of a black robe, standing up with a microphone and being recorded and it seemed intimidating.

Our boys have a love/hate relationship with foster care.  Five kids is a lot. It is loud. There are things we sacrifice in order to have foster kids in our home.  Camping trips didn't happen this summer, but road trips and vacations did.

Foster care is hard.  My heart is heavy today.  There is not an easy answer.  I went to court to advocate for the kids to have a plan for permanency, but I did not go knowing or even suggesting what that plan should be.  I just know that they have been out of the home for 472 days (with us for 356 of those days).  That is a long time.  It is more than 3/4 of the baby's life.  More than 1/4 of the captain's life.

I left questioning "Why are we even doing this?"

I guess all conventional and worldly wisdom would say "no", this is not my problem.  I have enough on my plate to deal with.

These are true statements.  Marty and I are not perfect people nor perfect parents.  We have our struggles with our own kids and in our own marriage.  We have yet to find the "easy" button when it comes to any of this.  Being foster parents has pushed our lives to a different level of crazy.

But even in questioning today, I can't walk away.  I passionately can't walk away.  As in, there's a burning in my heart for these kids and the other kids out there and I can't just say "this isn't my problem".  It has to be our problem.

I had someone tell me, "there has to be someone else out there who wants these kids."  Maybe, but probably not.  Foster parents are always in short supply and they went through three homes in 3 1/2 months before coming to our home.

Are my kids missing out on parts of their childhood?  I don't know.  Maybe.  Are they learning things about the world they would not experience in our private Christian school in our middle class neighborhood?  Absolutely.  I pray they are learning compassion.  I pray they are learning about Jesus.  The Jesus I read about in the Bible doesn't stand on a street corner and preach about what other people should or should not be doing.  Jesus goes and loves the people that no one else wants to love.  He hangs out with them.  He didn't go get a job so he could go on fancy vacations to the Red Sea.  He didn't protect the ones around him from experiencing the pain of this world.  He walked right into it.

I want to protect our kids.  But I also want them to see this world around them and to realize that having a house, a job, and relative stability in life is a luxury.  This life is hard.  Maybe by doing this small, and sometimes big, thing called foster care we are making somewhat of a difference.