Taking a break.

Going from having 5 kids to having 3 kids is amazing.  A-MAZING.  The level of drama in our lives and house is so low and so great.  We have gone on a few hikes as a family, had a family game night.... just done family stuff that did not happen as easily with the dynamic of our two extra kids.

I love those two extra kids with all my heart - and I am also glad that they aren't living here.  Which makes me feel a little bit like a jerk, but I know it is the right thing!  The statement I hear most often as a foster parent is "I couldn't let them go."   I don't know how each placement will go and how saying good-bye will go, but so far with our placements, it's been okay.  In this case, the parents have made immeasurable progress and are working so hard to be the best parents they can be.  They really are. My heart is happy for them.  They have their kids back.  They are doing their best to give their kids a good childhood.

The first two weeks after they left were a little tough.  I walked into our agency office thinking that I would just drop off my paperwork from the month and ended up hearing my voice crack and tears enter my eyes as I asked the question "are they safe?"  Hearing, "yes, we feel the kids are safe" was such a huge relief.  An even better feeling came less than a week later when we actually got to see the kids.  They spent an afternoon at our house and my heart was so full that it physically hurt.  Then I dropped the kids off to their parents, went home, and had a normal evening.  With our 3 kids.  It is great.

Owen asked recently "can I still call them my brother & sister?"  Yes, sweet boy, you can.  Our family might look a little different than others, but I don't really care what you call them.  Just love them.

It's been an introspective week.  Trying to figure out what to do with the "extra" time on my hands.  Taking a break from fostering has been a sweet time for our boys.  We are all enjoying each other.  We have had great conversations about fostering, about loving people in and outside of our family, and about what things we want to do before we take another placement.

I love fostering.  I feel like God has called us to be foster parents.  I love being a part of something bigger than myself, my family, my home, etc.  I like being a part of a team looking for how to best meet the needs of those around us.  I know I could be a part of a team in a normal job with less stress, but that isn't what I think God has called me to do.  There are, of course, a lot of really hard things as well.... but I'm just going to skip those for this post.

On that note, I love taking a break from fostering.  We have a chance to recharge and enjoy our family.  We need to chance to unlearn some things that became normal kid behavior in our house over the past year.  We need a break from the paperwork, the meetings and having everything in our house under lock and key.  Basically we need a break from the things about fostering that are really hard.

As of right now, I do believe we will foster again.

A Date.

We have a date for our two little ones to go home.

The next question I always get when/if I share that information is "how are you feeling about that?"

That is a really tough question to answer, but this week I'm starting to wrap my head around it.  It is feeling a lot like an upcoming move to a new place.

There is some excitement about what the future holds.  Overnight we will go from having a baby and a preschooler to basically having just elementary school kids (Owen is close, he's still in PreK, but he'll be 5 in January).  Scheduling around naps, visits, and therapy is suddenly done.  I'll no longer have 3 kids crammed in across the back of the minivan (praise the LORD.... having some space for a bit will be nice.  The drama there.  Argh.).  There are some behaviors that we will not miss having in our house.  One less school drop off and pick up each day.

Then there's the recognizing of all the lasts.  Just like whenever I've moved I start thinking "oh, this is my last time doing xyz."  Same thing.  Last trip to the library or playdate with a friend.  Lots of lasts.  Those come with some sadness, heavy heartedness, and maybe a little bit of heartbreak.  They've been my kids for a long time now.... even though they never fully were.

And, of course, there is some anxiety over what comes next.  I know, as an adult, I might be sad at times, but I have a level of confidence that Marty & I will get through this transition okay.  I even feel like our boys are going to be able to roll with it fairly well.  But I don't know that for sure.  I don't really know what to expect.

Then there's the baby and the captain.  I don't know how this transition will go for them.  We are adding longer visits at home to prep them.  The captain is pretty excited to live in a home with less structure and more freedom - he's quick to tell me that.  He knows his mom and dad and wants to live with them.  He also loves us and is quick to say those words and that he will miss us.

It's harder and easier for baby girl.  Easier because she doesn't have memories of what led to their removal from the home.  Potentially harder because she has lived here for a long time.  She doesn't have memories of mom and dad.  She has built a relationship with them, but it is still going to be starting fresh in some ways.

It seems easy for outsiders to want to bash the kids' parents.... but that's not fair.  Yes, they made some really bad choices that did not keep their kids safe.  They have also done a lot of work over the past 18 months to get to a place where their kids could be returned to their home.  All parents have the right to be able to raise their children, as long as they can keep them safe.  They get to have another chance.  I don't know if it will work out or not, but I hope and pray for the sake of these beautiful little kids that it will.

I guess that is all to say, there are a lot of unknowns.  Just like there are in many other areas of life.

Why are we doing this?

I went to court today.  I advocated for our sweet, beautiful, red-headed, strong willed, silly foster kids to have a plan for permanency.

I missed one of our boys field trips.  Another girl in his class reportedly told him that they are going to get married and have 5 kids.  He is going to be the baby's daddy.  Baby daddy.  Love it.

Court was fine.  I was nervous to stand up and speak before the judge.  Even though if I had met the judge at a dinner party I could have told him openly and passionately my feelings on this case. But add in the formality of a black robe, standing up with a microphone and being recorded and it seemed intimidating.

Our boys have a love/hate relationship with foster care.  Five kids is a lot. It is loud. There are things we sacrifice in order to have foster kids in our home.  Camping trips didn't happen this summer, but road trips and vacations did.

Foster care is hard.  My heart is heavy today.  There is not an easy answer.  I went to court to advocate for the kids to have a plan for permanency, but I did not go knowing or even suggesting what that plan should be.  I just know that they have been out of the home for 472 days (with us for 356 of those days).  That is a long time.  It is more than 3/4 of the baby's life.  More than 1/4 of the captain's life.

I left questioning "Why are we even doing this?"

I guess all conventional and worldly wisdom would say "no", this is not my problem.  I have enough on my plate to deal with.

These are true statements.  Marty and I are not perfect people nor perfect parents.  We have our struggles with our own kids and in our own marriage.  We have yet to find the "easy" button when it comes to any of this.  Being foster parents has pushed our lives to a different level of crazy.

But even in questioning today, I can't walk away.  I passionately can't walk away.  As in, there's a burning in my heart for these kids and the other kids out there and I can't just say "this isn't my problem".  It has to be our problem.

I had someone tell me, "there has to be someone else out there who wants these kids."  Maybe, but probably not.  Foster parents are always in short supply and they went through three homes in 3 1/2 months before coming to our home.

Are my kids missing out on parts of their childhood?  I don't know.  Maybe.  Are they learning things about the world they would not experience in our private Christian school in our middle class neighborhood?  Absolutely.  I pray they are learning compassion.  I pray they are learning about Jesus.  The Jesus I read about in the Bible doesn't stand on a street corner and preach about what other people should or should not be doing.  Jesus goes and loves the people that no one else wants to love.  He hangs out with them.  He didn't go get a job so he could go on fancy vacations to the Red Sea.  He didn't protect the ones around him from experiencing the pain of this world.  He walked right into it.

I want to protect our kids.  But I also want them to see this world around them and to realize that having a house, a job, and relative stability in life is a luxury.  This life is hard.  Maybe by doing this small, and sometimes big, thing called foster care we are making somewhat of a difference.

Hope Floats.

"Beginnings are usually scary, endings are usually sad.  But it is what is in the middle that counts.  That is when hope floats."

Back in late '90s I kept a quote journal.  This one is from the movie Hope Floats.... which I remember absolutely nothing about other than it was likely a chick flick and I think Sandra Bullock was in it.

This quote has been running through my head a lot these last few weeks in relation to foster care.

Beginnings are usually scary....

Both times children have been placed in our home, I have spent the first few nights sobbing into my pillow instead of sleeping.  That first time it was while holding 2 month old "Baby Cuteness."  I did not want another baby in my arms at that moment.  I did not know what he wanted.... I did not know his cries.... I did not know what to do.  I did not know how this would work for our family.... how long he would be in our home.... how would we do this?!?

I thought the second time around would be different.  We knew what to expect.  It was not different.  If anything, it was even more difficult.  We put 3 year old "Captain" to bed and he was terrified.  He wanted comfort that we were unable to provide.  He wanted a room he knew and a familiar face.  After his screams had stopped and we had put his baby sister to sleep also, I sobbed into my pillow again.  With similar thoughts.  What are we doing?!?! How are we going to manage two 3 year old boys.  Maybe we should not be doing this.  Maybe the people in our lives who question us are right.  This is scary and I don't know that we can do this.

Endings are usually sad.....

We hear regularly, "I could never do foster care.  I would get too attached.  I would never be able to say goodbye."  Spoiler alert.... We can't either.  Yes, we are doing it, but I regularly do not know how.

Philipians 4:13  I can do all things through 

Christ who gives me strength.  

I think and pray this verse on a daily basis.  When I'm rocking "baby girl" to sleep... the same baby girl who struggled to even let me hold her to give a bottle a couple months ago.  When "Captain" is laughing his amazing, infectious laugh.  When he is sharing heartaches that a 3 year old should not have experienced.  Each time I think, how are we going to hand them back?  And we will.  They will go back home.  

However, we aren't saying good-bye every day.  Yes, there will come an ending point when they will go back home and we will say good-bye and it will be sad.  But that is not the every day.  I can't imagine saying "no" to loving them and providing for them today because I don't want to do that hard and sad day where we say good-bye.  They are doing hard, sad things every day.  I can handle that day (and the hard days that follow) and so can my family.

But it is what is in the middle that counts.  And that is when hope floats.

Right now is when hope is floating.   The scary beginning has passed.  We are loving the two little ones in our family.  We drove them 13 hours to stay a week at the farm in Iowa.  They are loved on by our families and friends.  The tantrums, laughter, joys, sorrows, meetings, endless phone calls, paperwork and appointments that come with foster care are a normal part of our life right now.  And overall it is all working for our family.  That is not to say that it is always super easy or always my favorite, but we are doing the thing that we feel God has called us to do.  That makes it good.

Hope floats. I have hopes that the joyful times in our home will outweigh the times that are difficult and the tears that are big (mine, the kids, they all mix together some days).  I have hope that even when it is challenging, we are giving these little ones a solid start and some stability right now.  There is hope that while we are loving these kids, their mom and dad are working on the things that are currently preventing them from parenting.  They are learning how to provide a more stable life for their kids.... and there is hope that this very broken foster care system might work for these kids.  Hope.

Ephesians 3:20-21  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably 

more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!  Amen.

There are also prayers that Jesus will do way more than I can even imagine in the lives of these children.  That in addition to knowing everything about them and having a plan for them, I pray that they are able to see Christ's love shine through us.  Especially on the days when my own love and my own strength are hard to find.  I have the same prayers for the biological and adopted kids living in our home.... they are magnified a bit for the kids that I know we only have a limited time in their lives to make an impact.  And that, my friends, is when hope floats.  (Yep, I know it is a super cheesy quote, but it is also so fitting). 

Why you should consider foster care. Yes, YOU.

We took our 2nd foster placement at the beginning of November.  After just moving to a new house that needs a lot of updates.  Thankfully we are really settling in, in many ways.  This time we have a 3 1/2 year old boy ("Captain" is his nickname) and a 9 month old baby girl (we just call her "Baby Girl").

My heart melts when I think how little boy got the nickname "Captain", but I'll save that for a different post.  Remind me, k?

I can think of dozens of reasons why we should not be foster parents.  But none of them win when it comes to the reasons why.

1.  We can.  We have stable housing, a stable income, and an overall stable place to be.  We want to do this and God has provided us with the things we need in order to do it.

2.  You don't have to be a perfect parent or have a perfect family to provide a child with a safe, loving home.  Our family = not perfect.  We have kids of our own who have challenges (or are challenging), but in many ways I think that has simply prepared us more for being foster parents.

3.  This is our first placement with a child who talks.... Oh. My. Goodness. Friends.  If you have any desire to be a foster parent - PLEASE consider it.  The craziest days in our home do not compare to the things that have been seen and experienced by the children who have been removed from their homes.

4.  Our own kids.  We have chosen at this point to only foster children who are younger than our youngest child.  Our children are learning and growing along with us in this journey.  The conversations and the prayers we have shared with them are so encouraging.
 
YOU can do this!  If you have the desire, don't let your fears of these kids get in your way.  Seriously, no matter where you are living, there is a real need for quality foster homes.  I know we have only fostered 3 children at this point, but they have been the sweetest little kids.  Sweetest.  I am so thankful for the time that we get to love on each of them and to be part of their story.  And YOU can also do it.  Seriously, YOU can.

Owen, "Captain", and Gavin.  Seriously, just imagine all the energy in our house right now.  

 

God Chose.

-- "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.   Jeremiah 29:11 --

Baby Cuteness went home yesterday afternoon as planned.  It was a sad day, but I know that we'll see him again..... partially because I neglected to give his new foster mom some of his formula.  Whoops. :/  She is actually open to us seeing him ongoing at this point, so we will see what that looks like as we move forward.

Owen enjoyed some last minute snuggles and singing time before Cuteness left. 

Owen (3 1/2) is the child in our family who has had the hardest time seeing Cuteness leave.  After lunch yesterday I encouraged the boys to spend some time with Cuteness.  This conversation followed between the boys:

Owen (sobbing): "But Mommy, I don't want him to leave!  You're the Mommy and you get to choose.  I want you to choose for him to stay!"  (Big thoughts for a 3 1/2 year old).

Elijah: "No, Mommy is just the Foster Mom, so she doesn't get to choose."

Gavin "No, God gets to choose.  And God chose that we would just love him for a little bit and then he would go somewhere else."

And that was that.  God has a plan for Baby Cuteness and I'm glad that we were a part of it.

Sleepy time snuggles. 

Between 4 days and forever

Our first foster placement summarized in one blog post.  If that is possible?

We got the call for placement on Friday, 4/10 around 1pm.  A few short hours later, 2 month old "Baby Cuteness" arrived in our home.  We were told there was a strong possibility he would leave our home on Tuesday (4/14) to go live with a friend of his mom's (we'll call her Helen).

It is just shy of 3 months later and we are now preparing for him to leave on Tuesday to go live with Helen.

How to summarize the three months!?!

First off, there was initial chaos.  Within 48 hours of Cuteness' arrival, the stomach bug started going around our family, a raccoon ate one of our chickens, a toilet started leaking (insert plumber), I was on the phone with Urgent Care for the baby when Elijah choked on his dinner and threw up all over the table, and then we spent two nights in the hospital with Cuteness for dehydration.... he did not weather the stomach bug well.

There was the agonizing month when the county asked us if we would consider being an adoptive placement for Baby Cuteness if the other options did not work out.

But the day to day part of being a foster family has worked well for our family.  It has given us a platform of sorts for great conversations with the boys in our family as well as with friends.  It is evident that the need for foster families is very real.  The day to day chaos is manageable and we are able to do this - and enjoy doing it.  We are enjoying loving on a child who needs to be loved.

The biggest thing I have learned in this placement is what our role is as a foster family.  We really have felt that our role is "to love him like he is our own until he is not."  The most difficult part of fostering this first time around was learning how the foster care system rolls.  There are certainly injustices in the system and I could give many examples.  The biggest is the fact that we didn't have visits with Helen for these 3 months.... even though we requested them and we knew that the county was looking into her as a possible placement.  I feel like that would make the transition a little smoother for our family, her family and for Cuteness.

Tuesday will be a sad day for our family, but it is also a day that we will be able to rejoice in being a family of five again for a time.  We will certainly miss Baby Cuteness a lot, but we will also be busy with our own summer fun.  We will quickly go from having a nap time to the freedom of no naps, no diaper bag, no bottles and no baby food to carry along with us.

Summary: Yes, the foster care system is not a perfect or ideal system.  But we can do our part in it and love a child like he is our own, until he is not.  As long as we can focus on that, we're going to do this again, and again.

Cuteness has been well loved.  We'll miss him and love him always.